By Margo D.
TW: suicidal ideation, eating disorders
Since I was a little girl, I was obsessed with being “good”, being “clean” and was terrified of any form of physical touch as it felt dirty and wrong. Gradually, anxiety and depression entered followed by anorexia. OCD jumped in the wagon followed by self-harm and suicidal ideation and planning. I was in and out of psychiatric facilities, residential, outpatient programs, leaving jobs, moving constantly, etc. The terror and dread were so deep and constant that I couldn’t sleep anymore. Lots of guilt and feeling something beyond hopelessness–I don’t know how to describe it, but it was hell. I would look at my sister and mom laughing and feel so detached. How did they feel like that?
One step towards gaining my footing was not depending so much on someone I had always leaned on (by losing my trust in them) and looking more to myself to move forward. Despite how shitty this relationship change felt, it ultimately helped. I cut ties with more toxic people, which also helped. I refocused on my therapy over and over, even when more breakdowns occurred. Gradually something did shift. I then applied for a job, and I got it. And I love it. I still don’t understand how I am still working for this organization, but I am and I’m really good at what I do. There have been breakdowns but I have managed to keep going. It blows my mind when I think about it sometimes. I remember saying to a psych. in residential that all I saw was black. There was nothing. Now though, I see so much color, and that helps me to keep going.